Introduction

As children, we develop coping mechanisms to navigate the challenges and complexities of growing up. These strategies often serve us well in those formative years, helping us to survive difficult situations. However, as adults, these same mechanisms can hold us back from truly thriving. Today, we explore how these coping strategies from our past can influence our present and how we can transform them for a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Understanding Childhood Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are the behaviours, thoughts, and emotions we adopt to manage stress and trauma. Common childhood coping strategies include seeking solitude, striving for perfection, or becoming a people-pleaser. While these behaviours may have helped us navigate our early years, they can become limiting patterns in adulthood.

Through my work with both children and adults, I often observe these mechanisms play out. By helping adults unpick the childhood events — often not dramatic, but significant nonetheless — that are at the root of their self-beliefs, I see how these early experiences shape their present-day behaviours and experiences. This understanding underscores the profound responsibility we have as adults in shaping the lives of children.

One of my “whys” is the more people I can assist with EFT, the more the ripple effect. Adults that are struggling are not in the best place to support children, and children who are struggling deserve a voice and to be heard.

Children are frequently overlooked. Adults often think they are not taking things in, are too young to have an opinion, or do not understand the complexities. While they may not grasp everything, they are always interpreting these experiences and forming beliefs that will influence their trajectory and how their lives unfold. I often hear the way adults speak to children and think, “that is an EFT or counselling session for the future.” It’s not only about major traumatic events; everyday interactions can leave lasting impressions.

Survival vs. Thriving

Surviving is about getting through the day, while thriving is about living fully and joyfully. For example, as a child, you might have developed a love for playing alone, creating games, and enjoying your own company. This can be a wonderful trait, fostering creativity and independence. However, if this stemmed from a belief that you were safer or better off alone, or even that no one noticed if you weren’t there, it might lead to feelings of insignificance or a fear of relying on others in adulthood.

Real-Life Examples

One adult client struggled to put themselves out there in their business due to a fear of making mistakes and a need for perfection. We traced this back to a childhood event where they were forced to redo a drawing because it wasn’t perfect before they were allowed free play with the other children. In that moment, the belief formed: “If I make a mistake, if I am not perfect, I lose my freedom and upset others.”

Another client found it difficult to have challenging conversations and often suppressed their own feelings to keep the peace. This behaviour was linked to a childhood incident where they tried to stand up for themselves but were forced to comply with an adult’s wishes. This created the belief: “My feelings are not valid” and “It doesn’t matter what I say, I won’t be heard.”

Recently, while working with a child, a belief emerged out of a variety of events, some seemingly “minor” and one definitely more of a “big T Trauma,” all bolstering this belief: “Adults are allowed to do bad things to me or near me and there is nothing I can do about it.” Imagine this belief becoming ingrained; it might evolve from “adults” to “people” in general, leading to a sense of powerlessness and the notion that they must go along with things without having a say. This highlights how seemingly minor events can significantly impact one’s worldview and sense of agency.

The Impact on Adult Life

These coping strategies can manifest in various ways:

• A tendency to eat for comfort can lead to unhealthy eating habits. (I lose count of how many times I hear an adult say to a child that has fallen over, “shall we go and get a sweetie/biscuit, that’ll make you feel better?”)
• Suppressing emotions might result in difficulty expressing feelings or connecting with others.
• Avoiding visibility can hinder your professional growth and personal relationships.

One recent observation really struck me. While walking my dog near a children’s park, I saw a father pushing his daughter on a large swing. It was all fun and giggles until she started saying, “Stop! It’s too high, I don’t like it, please stop now.” Yet, he continued laughing and pushing, ignoring her pleas. Her laughter turned uncomfortable, verging on tears. I couldn’t help but think how this scenario might shape her future interactions. What if she formed the belief that “I can’t ask someone to stop if they are still enjoying it” or “Even when it feels wrong for me I have to continue”? This could have serious implications in her teenage years and beyond, potentially undermining her ability to assert herself in critical situations. In no way would that father have been thinking like that in that moment in the park but any time we tell children to ignore their own bodies and their early warning signs we are treading in dangerous waters.

Transforming Coping Mechanisms

The good news is that we can transform these coping mechanisms with awareness and intention. Techniques like Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) can be powerful tools in this journey. For instance, one client discovered her habit of people-pleasing stemmed from a need to avoid conflict in a tumultuous household. Through EFT, she was able to release this old belief and develop healthier boundaries.

Practical Steps

• Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your childhood and identify any coping mechanisms.
• Awareness: Notice how these behaviours show up in your adult life.
• Transformation: Seek out practices like EFT to help transform these patterns. For a helpful start, check out my limiting beliefs tapping script on YouTube.

Conclusion

By understanding and transforming our childhood coping mechanisms, we can move from merely surviving to truly thriving. This journey of self-discovery and healing can lead to a more fulfilling and joyous life where we feel so much more in control.

If you would like support in uncovering and transforming your childhood coping mechanisms, I invite you to reach out and arrange a discovery session.

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